A GENTLE TETHER

This partially completed life of mine has seen it's share of greatness and grit. You have, no doubt, learned from my writing that the almighty tree is my favored metaphor in life. When I feel fragile, I see myself hanging on a thin limb -oh so close to breaking- falling into the abyss below. When I am filled with confidence and strength, my core is a great and massive trunk, upholding a million branches of living, breathing organic matter. The wind of life's trials blow - sometimes gently - sometimes with great power. Such a mystery, it is. The great flow of inner strength and alternate disconnect. The connecting cord - the tethering to the Life-Source of renewal for body, mind and spirit can be so fragile - strength, only a dream away.

Riding a wave of forgotten reservation, the young girl's dreams catapulted her into a sphere of brave advance. She was rising, rising - to the stage of no return, captive to her inner strength. Determination and confidence etching her face, she launched her charge down the carpeted runway to the vaulting table whose menace was sure to be defeated. Airborne for the vault, her position perfect, her hands sure she twists and spins midair, sticking the perfect landing. Triumphant in her smile, she exits her stage. A heart throb like no other. But then - bolting upright in her bed, she awakens from her dream of magic. Today was her chance. The dream - was it a sign? Would today be the day she became the confident gymnast of her dreams. Would she break through her ceiling of fragile brokenness?

This naturegirl's days of rolling down the highways and byways of the great U.S. have been interrupted by the great invader - called, 'accident'. Pedro is broken - I am not. Or, am I? I seem to be hanging on a thin limb on this day.

Today is Sunday. I attended church this morning, not far down the carefully manicured boulevard from my temporary home with my dear family in California. Isn't it funny how sermons sometimes have a way of burroughing into the heart and breaking it wide open. I am here today, as a result of today's churchgoing, to be R-E-A-L. My great admission - today's declaration -- for the last 24+ hours, I have been feeling B-R-O-K-E-N, rather defective - at the bottom of my game. There - I said it. I don't like saying it. Why? Because - does anyone ever really reach out and embrace a fractured vessel? Not usually. Humankind gravitates to the 'best of show'. And, who doesn't want to be the winner?!!!

Yes, I AM traveling, cross country - alone - a woman - and, I hear it often.... "Wow! That is brave!" , or, "I could never do that," or, "Seriously, you are joking, right?"  I admit, the commentary pumps-up my inner 'feel-good' monitor. My admission - today's declaration - however, is not about courage or doing the unusual. My declaration is about, liking and accepting the real core of 'who I am' - my daily activity preferences and avoidances, my personality strengths and weaknesses, my caring and my indifferences - the natural flow of how I choose to fill my day when living with little to nonexistent external directives in my current life. Part of this pilgrimage journey of mine is 'inward.'  Finding my way forward in my new single life requires a new awakening to 'the core of me'. Identifying the core is no easy task. Why is it so tempting to observe others who are a source of inspiration, and wanting to 'be like them' - to be someone else. I am pretty sure I am not the only one in this camp, though I am not condoning it. I am beginning (with a capital 'B') to 'know', who I really am. The past few days has enlightened my 'knowing'. I am still chewing and digesting. I am praying for a new freedom of acceptance in 'being me'.

I have loved my days on the road. This past 10 days I have missed the new landscapes that fly by me as I venture into territories unknown. I miss the funny roadside signage, the amazing (and sometimes not so amazing) architecture, the new cultural dialects I hear in the coffeeshops and grocery stores along the way. I miss the movement. I miss the wide open spaces. I am learning just how much of an earth-woman I am. That would explain why I am forever picking up leaves, and twigs and feeling flower petals. Perhaps the change in my daily routines have upset my equilibrium - my rhythm. I am untethered from my mobile living quarters - my dear Pedro - cantankerous mobile home that he is!!

Tethering is all about connectedness. Our connections help us feel grounded - anchored in familiarity. As I have studied the botanical worlds of the many regions of the country, I am most fascinated with the moisture-laden subclimates where greenery flourishes without man's hoses tethered to the faucets of city water systems. The profuse branching of ivy as it climbs the tree trunks and overruns the ground in a covering of lush green. What is unique about all this ferocious fauna is that it's connections can easily be loosened, removed, or altered. Tethering is different from the technique of tying - an element not easily removed. I love the though of being 'gently' tethered - to our loved ones, to our rituals, or to our natural instinctive choices. It is a softer connection, flexible, more readily negotiated. When I contemplate 'who I am', I wish to think in terms of a more flexible being, a bendable connection. I wish to remove the rigid knots that tie me to a 'prison of being'. Knowing that I am movable, but connected to a core gives me comfort, and comfort is something that is easy to live with.

The stuff of dreams and longing, of realtime challenges and hopes, and the regrets of unresolved conflict live in every human soul, at one time or another. We all navigate our days in varying degrees of wanderlust. The timeless question, 'Who Am I' has been queried daily by the masses, looking for the perfect formula of how to live out a life of peace and honesty, while maintaining intimate, equal, and bendable relationships with those we call dear.

Soul work is difficult. Finding balance between one's discipline to become 'more' or making choices for the sake of relationship compromise, and one's choice to rest in the comfort of living with our natural inclinations will forever be the stuff of daily life. This much I know - giving V-O-I-C-E to issues of the heart and soul is a requirement if one is to sift through the jumble of tomorrow's choices and arrive at the coveted prize of inner peace.

Riding on the wind of change, I am comforted in my tethering to the Source of all life, the great I AM - God the Father, Son and Eternal Spirit. Even when I occasionally lose touch with 'Who I am', I am confident of 'Whose I am'.

In this I find today's peace - buoyed by life's sometimes wild, sometimes gentle wind currents - carried to a new place with each new day.

Intothewind -

Naturegirl